


waves

by captainegg



Series: Harry Potter Fests [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Betrayal, Blood and Injury, Child Abuse, Drowning, Established Relationship, Graphic Description, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Nightmares, Physical Abuse, Punishment, Running Away, Swearing, Unforgivable Curses (Harry Potter), Verbal Abuse, Violence, Vomiting, Wolfstar Hurt Fest 2020, sensitive content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:21:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25555006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainegg/pseuds/captainegg
Summary: Hell breaks loose at 12 Grimmauld Place and an injured Sirius Black seeks refuge at the Potters.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, wolfstar - Relationship
Series: Harry Potter Fests [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2127531
Comments: 28
Kudos: 190
Collections: Wolfstar Hurt Fest





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!
> 
> Written for the [Wolfstar Hurt Fest 2020](https://wshurtfest.tumblr.com/), make sure to also check out the other amazing submissions. This is my first time participating in a fest and I honestly had the time of my life. Thank you to everyone who helped me with putting this fic together and figuring things out when it got tough.
> 
> This fic contains very sensitive topics so please check the tags before proceeding.
> 
> For the sake of this story, Sirius is able to Apparate even though he does not have a licence yet. Just wanted to mention that beforehand.  
> Takes place the summer of 1976, right after the 5th year.
> 
> Thank you Isa for being a bomb ass beta! ❤️
> 
> I hope you enjoy :)

Everything was fine back at Hogwarts. But when he left Platform 9 ¾ and went home, hell broke loose.

Leaving Hogwarts and his friends for the summer was never easy, but it felt especially difficult now since Sirius and Remus had started dating. 

There was nothing Sirius would rather do than wander around the castle with his friends, hold hands with Remus, planing pranks, rolling around in the grass, and sitting in the common room late at night, cuddled up on the sofa by the fireplace.

James had offered Sirius the change to come home with him. Sirius would have loved that. He was always welcome at the Potters. Euphemia and Fleamont were kind and loving, unlike Sirius’ own parents. 

But Sirius had declined. 

Things with his parents had become more tense, sure, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave his brother behind. It had always been him and Regulus against them.

There was barely anything Sirius wouldn’t do for his little brother. From taking the blame to getting beat up by their father, Sirius took it all without batting an eye. 

Regulus was young, impressionable. And their parents were overpowering, demanding respect and loyalty. 

If anything were to ever happen to Regulus, Sirius wouldn’t be able to forgive himself.

It was them against the rest of the world. And it would always be that way.

And yet, their relationship had grown more and more distant over the past school year. Sirius didn’t understand why—every time he tried talking to his younger brother, Regulus had ignored him. 

Eventually, Sirius gave up, but he still kept a close eye on Regulus.

They arrived back at 12 Grimmauld Place, both brothers silently heading to their respective rooms on the fourth floor. 

Sirius’ room looked exactly like he had left it behind. Clothes were scattered on the floor, dust sat on the old wooden furniture, the bed was still unmade.

Sirius dropped his trunk on the floor next to his bed, strutted over to his bedroom window, and pushed the heavy curtains to the side. 

It was a rainy day. Thick raindrops drummed loudly against the window glass in an unknown melody.

Sirius sighed, his thoughts trailing back to the Hogwarts Express. 

He and the other Marauders had shared a compartment like they always did. They shared chocolate frogs, butterscotch, cauldron cages, jelly slugs and pumpkin pasties, laughing and reminiscing about all the things they did that year. 

He sat beside Remus, their legs comfortably entangled, holding hands, exchanging soft glances every so often and kisses that tasted like sugar and spice. 

Sirius’ heart fluttered, a smile tugging at his lips.

Back at Hogwarts, it was easy for him to be who he truly was. He felt comfortable with expressing his emotions, knowing that his friends always had his back and accepted him for who he was. 

Sure, he made mistakes and the lads were never afraid to call him out on his bullshit, but at the end of the day, they were his friends. They were his family.

Sirius’ eyes trailed along his bedroom wall. What an ugly colour, he thought to himself, arms crossed over his chest. His gaze brushed across the Gryffindor banner and Muggle posters he had hung up and secured with irreversible sticking charms. 

His mother had once taken down all of Sirius’ decoration while he was away (or rather had Kreacher do it) so he had made it his mission to prevent that from ever happening again.

There was barely anything he enjoyed more than pissing off his parents. It’s not like they had any business being in his room in the first place.

Sirius pushed himself off of the wall, shuffled over to his bed and sat down cross-legged. 

From his pocket, he pulled out a neatly folded picture of himself, James, Remus and Peter. Lily had taken it while they were on their way to Hogsmeade one day. The boys in the picture were stumbling around, arms wrapped around each other, big grins plastered across their faces. 

Sirius gently traced over Remus’s face. 

It had been a good day. 

They went to Zonko’s and Honeydukes, drank lots and lots of Butterbeer, and he and Remus had exchanged kisses that tasted like chocolate and caramel later in the Common Room.

Sirius gently touched his bottom lip, reminiscing about the feel of Remus’ lips on his own.

They were always so soft and gentle. Kissing Remus was addicting, drug-like. Sirius often felt himself chasing after them once Remus had already pulled away. 

But there was nothing he loved more than wrist kisses. There was something so intimate, so soft about them, that always made his knees go weak. He touched his left wrist, thinking about how it felt when Remus brushed his nose and lips over the sensitive skin there, placing gentle kisses above his pulse.

He smiled and tucked the picture back into his pocket.

A loud knock on his door snapped him back to reality and before Sirius could say anything, Regulus burst into his room. His little brother was pale, visibly shaking. 

Sirius raised an eyebrow, confused. 

Regulus’ eyes were filled with terror, tears soon spilling from his grey eyes. “They know,” he blurted. 

At first, Sirius didn’t understand but his stomach turned seconds later as he did. “How?” he whispered, blood rushing from his face, heart missing a beat.

“I don’t know! I didn’t say anything, I promise! They just got an owl, Sirius. I don’t know, I don’t know. Please! You have to go, please.” Regulus’ begging was heart-wrenching. 

Sirius swallowed hard. He tried to think straight, to find an explanation, a solution, something. But every word he tried to grasp slipped through his fingers.

Loud voices echoed from downstairs, heavy steps approached them. And before he could do anything more than just stare, his mother yanked Regulus out of the room by his shoulder. 

Sirius saw Regulus tumbling backwards before he was dragged into his own bedroom by their father. The door slammed shut behind them. He could hear his brother cry out, banging against the door desperately.

And Sirius hated that he couldn’t help him.

His mother towered before the door frame, her wand firmly in her hand and pointed at Sirius with a stern expression gracing her pale face. 

“I always knew there was something wrong with you,” she said. The disappointment and disgust in her voice made Sirius shiver.

He knew that his mother wasn’t fond of him. She had always liked Regulus more and Sirius enjoyed provoking her, but this was different. He felt like a deer in headlights.

“In my study. Now,” she ordered.

Sirius couldn’t move. His usual mischievous and cocky facade slowly crumbled away under his mother’s stern look, exposing the fragile boy hiding behind it.

Walburga stepped forward. Her long, cold fingers wrapped around Sirius’ wrist and dragged him down the stairs.

“Please, mother! I will be good, I promise! Please, let me go!” Sirius screamed, begging, tugging at his arm. But Walburga didn’t pay him any attention. Her grip only tightened.

Once in her study, she pushed Sirius away from her, locking the door with a swift motion of her wand. 

The room was dark, dim lighting barely made it in from the outside through sets of thick curtains. It smelled metallic, old, smokey; Sirius didn’t like it.

He had been here a few times in the past. It was his parent’s prefered punishment room. Vivid memories of getting beaten up by his father flashed before his eyes as pale scars over his body started to itch. 

But this was so much more than accidentally breaking his mother’s favourite vase or disagreeing with his father over dinner. This was the final straw.

Sirius’ entire body trembled as he dropped to his knees, head hanging low.

“I had so much hope for you. Your father and I, we raised you with nothing but our best intentions at heart. We raised you to be a strong wizard, determined, noble, a strong leader.” A disgusted look spread across her face. “And yet you are nothing more than a whiny brat.”

She grabbed strands of black hair, yanking his head up. The back of her hand crashed against Sirius’ cheek. “We put our trust in you. You were supposed to be our heir, the spitting image of a Black. I used to be so proud of you. And look at you now.”

Sirius closed his eyes, bracing himself for another slap across the face. But it didn’t come.

“Mother, I’m sorry. I will be good, I promise,” Sirius whispered, forcing himself to look up at his mother, choking on his own words, tears welling in his eyes. 

Walburga only laughed. She looked like a harpy—beautiful with her pale skin, high cheekbones and steel grey eyes, but underneath her skin fury bubbled, seeping through her pores, poisoning the air around her.

“I gave you plenty of chances, Sirius. You are no longer a son of mine.” She pointed her wand at him. Sirius’ didn’t dare to look back down. He tried not to flinch. His chest felt heavy, breathing becoming almost impossible.

Maybe she was right. He was a disgrace. He was loud and obnoxious, a brat, a disappointment, always up to no good, messing around and never taking anything seriously. He clenched his fist, knuckles turning white, nails digging deep into his cold and sweaty palms.

“ _Flipendo_.” A flash of light erupted from Walburga’s wand. The knockback jinx hit Sirius directly on his chest, hurling him across the room. With a loud thud, he crashed against his mother’s desk. A pained moan escaped his lips, his grey eyes rolling back. He felt his entire body go limp, head lolling to the side.

Walburga stepped closer. “We tried so hard to fix you. And that’s how you decide to thank us? Dallying with a _boy_? Do you even have an ounce of respect? Did you even think about what this will do to us? After all that we did for you. It is shameful to lay with a man, it is disgusting, disgraceful. And I thought I had taught you better!” Walburga shrieked.

Sirius tried to ignore his mother’s voice. But it was too late. The harshness of her words was already burned into the back of his mind. Thoughts crashed above him like waves. Sirius felt like he was drowning.

His mother stepped forward, her wand soon pressed against Sirius’ hot cheek. His chest heaved up and down heavily, terrified to even blink. 

“I would have given you the world, Sirius. It could have been all yours. And look at you now. You have done nothing but disappoint us. You are nothing without us, Sirius. Nothing,” she spat.

Sirius tried to push her out, tried to resist the power of her words but he was too weak.

Sirius felt terrified. He felt like it was the first time he had ever taken a beating for Regulus all over again. He flinched.

Tears streamed down his face, running past his jawline, bleeding into the fabric of his jumper. It had been a Christmas gift from Remus. It was soft, cosy and well worn-in.

_Remus._

Sirius’ heart pounded against his chest, clenching painfully at the thought of his boyfriend. He wanted to think of Remus, wanted to remember all the sweet moments between them to drown out the pain: his honey-like curly hair, his kind amber eyes, the soft curl of his lips whenever he tried to hide a smile.

But Sirius forced himself to push them away.

These were his memories, only his. No one had any right to see them, to infiltrate them, to ruin them.

“Get out of my head,” he sobbed desperately, hands grabbing strands of his own hair, pulling and tugging them into different directions. 

Helpless. Desperate. Mortified.

“Pathetic. I thought we had taught you better. You are weak; so, so weak,” his mother spat, harshly pulling her wand back and leaving behind a red mark across Sirius’ cheek.

Sirius hunched forward in an attempt to gasp for air, his head resting on his propped up knee, retching. Sweat ran down his face and mixed with the never-ending stream of tears.

“Look at me!” Walburga yelled. “Look me in the eyes like a _man._ You have brought this upon yourself. Don’t start pitying yourself now. It’s too late. I have had enough of you!” The words echoed from the walls, forcefully invading Sirius’ head, clinging onto his fragile mind.

“I’m not a man,” Sirius sobbed, slowly lifting his head, ”I’m a _child_ , for Merlin’s sake.” 

His body throbbed with pain. He desperately tried to fight the exhaustion gnawing at the back of his mind. His eyelids felt heavy. “What do you want from me? Do you seriously think any of this will _fix me_? There is nothing for you to fix!”

“Be quiet! How dare you talk back to me like that. Watch your dirty mouth! I will teach you a lesson like I should have been all along. _Diffindo_!” Green light erupted from the tip of Walburga’s wand, slashing through Sirius’ clothing and cutting deep into his skin.

Sirius almost blacked out. The pain was excruciating. Blood pooled out of a cut along his leg and out of another across his chest. His jumper was quickly drenched in blood. Sirius felt light-headed and dizzy, the world around him slowly started to spin. His eyes rolled back in their sockets, eyelids fluttering.

“ _Crucio._ ” 

The pain was brutal. No, brutal was too weak of a word. 

Sirius felt as if his body was tearing itself apart piece by piece. White specks moved in and out of his vision, his bones and muscles ached, his limbs twisted in all directions. 

Sirius felt aflame. 

Every inch of his body was trembling, vibrating, throbbing. He wished for it to stop, to make him black out, to kill him.

He had never felt like this—and Sirius had felt pain before, like the time he fell from his broom after a daring flight maneuver, or when he was almost smashed by the Whomping Willow, or when Remus as a werewolf would crash his body full force into Padfoot.

But nothing had been as painful as this.

Sirius squinted, trying to force the white and black dots out of his vision, trying to regain control.

He could hear his mother laugh, amusement radiating off her like heat. But the sound never fully reached him. She seemed so far away, hidden behind a thick fog Sirius couldn’t shake.

Sirius felt his organs cramp, his head snapping back with a violent crack. Hot knives pierced every inch of his skin, pushing the pain deeper and deeper into his body. Sirius felt like he was going to burst any second now. 

The pain swallowed him up, drowning out the screams and groans that slipped from his bleeding mouth. He had lost all sense of time as the pain finally started to ebb away. His body felt limp and stiff at the same time, muscles twitching from exhaustion.

He tried to think but he was drowning in an ocean of tears, blood and screams. And Sirius let himself fall, the waves crashing above his head as his lungs filled with water and his body felt lighter and lighter the further he sank. He was sure this was it, this was the end. 

He could feel himself smile, broken and defeated at the hands of his mother.

“ _Stupefy_.” A blinding light filled the room once more, wrapping around Sirius’ motionless body. His eyes finally fluttered shut.

And with that, the world around Sirius went black, his limp body resting peacefully against his mother’s desk. Blood slowly dripped out of his mouth, ears and eyes. The stinging smell of vomit and blood filled the air, hovering like a heavy blanket above his lifeless shell.


	2. Chapter 2

When Sirius awoke, darkness surrounded him. He laid on his side, limps painfully contorted. His head rested on the cold floor with his neck twisted at an odd angle. Sirius tried to prop himself up and a sharp pain shot up his spine as he did so. He groaned as he slowly came back to his senses, the numb feeling turning into severe pain. 

He was cold, so incredibly cold. 

Sirius hunched over and vomited. He felt miserable. With a groan, he wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his jumper. It pained him to see how ruined it was. The fabric was torn, stained with blood and bile. 

There were footsteps outside the door. Sirius held his breath, heart hammering hard against his bruised rib cage.

The door opened.

Soft light from a candle fell in, illuminating Regulus’ face. He looked tired—large circles scored his eyes, his high cheekbones casting long shadows across his pale face. “Sirius?” He whispered, quietly slipping inside. When he spotted his brother on the floor, his face got even paler. Regulus was by his side in an instant. “Sirius, what have they done to you?” His voice was barely audible. 

Sirius only laughed, hoarsely. “I’ve looked worse.” 

They both knew that that was a lie. 

Regulus had tended his wounds many times behind their parent’s back or sneaked him food from the kitchen at night when Sirius was locked up in his room. It always happened in silence and neither of them ever talked about it afterwards. But this was unlike anything that happened before.

“I’ll get you out of here,” Regulus mumbled and put the candle down on the desk. 

“Reg … don’t. If they find out that you helped me,” Sirius managed to say before hunching over and vomiting once more.

Regulus shook his head vigorously. “I don’t care if they do. You are my brother and I can’t let them do this all again. I should have come down earlier but I had to wait for them to fall asleep. This is our only chance.”

Regulus helped his brother sit up before wrapping his arms around his body and carefully helping him to his feet. “Lean on me, I’ve got you,” Regulus said.

He slid one arm around Sirius’ hip, supporting his brother’s arm slung around his own shoulder with the other.

“I just need to get out, Reg. I can Apparate but not here.” His voice was weak and he had trouble forming words correctly. 

Regulus didn’t say anything, he was too busy supporting his brother’s body and not knocking over one of their mother’s antique vases. Regulus rarely questioned him, and Sirius was eternally thankful for that. They understood each other without words, knowing the other inside out.

It took the two several minutes to reach the front door. Sirius felt like his legs would collapse at any given moment, gritting his teeth in an attempt to keep quiet. 

The old floor beneath them creaked. Luckily, the portraits along the walls didn’t pay them much attention. Most of them were asleep.

The brothers held their breaths. Only a few more steps. Regulus unlocked the door, helping his brother over the doorstep and down the small set of stairs.

The door closed behind them with a soft klick.

It was a cloudy and cold night. Harsh gusts of wind hit them in their faces as the two slowly walked away from the house. Neither of them looked back until they had reached a small and dark alleyway. 

Sirius leaned against the wall, his chest heaving up and down, trying to catch his breath. He was exhausted.

Regulus stood beside him, wiping sweat off of his face. “Let’s hope that the portraits don’t snitch,” he said with a nervous laugh. 

Sirius just looked at his brother. “That’s not funny, Reg.” His voice was hoarse, the dryness of his throat and mouth made his eyes tear up.

“You should go now,” said Regulus, pulling Sirius’ wand from his pocket and pushing it into his brother’s hands. Sirius shook his head, eyes fixed on his younger brother. “No, I’m not leaving without you.” 

Regulus bit his lower lip, eyes nervously darting towards the street. “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. They are after you, not me. You should leave before anyone notices that we’re gone.” 

Sirius pushed himself off of the wall and stepped closer to his brother. “No,” he said determinedly. “Don’t make me beg, please. I have done plenty of begging today.” He laughed hoarsely, pain in his chest flaring up as he did so.

Regulus flinched.

Sirius reached for his brother’s hand, wrapping his bloody fingers around his wrist. Regulus shook him off. “I can’t! I can’t come with you because I am the one who told them, Sirius!” Regulus yelled.

The air escaped Sirius’ lungs as he tumbled backwards, completely in shock.

Regulus had been the only thing holding him afloat and now the waves began crashing above his head again, dragging him down once more. His entire world collapsed around him. He wished for the ground to open up beneath him, he wished to pass out or drop dead.

This couldn’t be real. He must be dreaming. He rubbed his eyes.

Regulus would never do this to him.

“You did what?” Sirius shrieked, tugging at his own hair. Tears streamed down his face, the taste in his mouth became even more bitter. “Why? Regulus, tell me why?! You are my brother, I trusted you!” Sirius buried his face in his hands now, barely able to stand.

His body trembled.

He felt angry, disappointed, betrayed.

“They deserve to know. They are our parents for Merlin’s sake!” Regulus gestured back to the house. “I didn’t know they would react that way,” he swallowed hard, “I didn’t mean to, Siri. I didn’t—” 

Sirius took a step forward, hands clenched into fists. “You didn’t think, Regulus! And I thought you were _my brother_. I thought I could trust you,” Sirius spat out. 

His parents punishing him was nothing new. Hell, it wasn’t even a big surprise if he was being honest. But Regulus, his own brother, turned against him. Sirius shook his head in disbelief. 

“Sirius, please, listen to me.” Regulus reached out to his brother but Sirius patted his hand away. “Don’t you dare touch me, Regulus! Haven’t you already done enough?”

Regulus stepped back, head hanging low. “Fine. Just … leave, okay? Promise me,” he took a deep, shaky breath and looked back at his brother, “promise me that you’ll be alright.”

Sirius could only laugh.

“Are you fucking serious right now? Nothing will be alright, Regulus! Don’t you understand? This is it. You don’t even know what it feels like, right? They never hit you, they never raised their voice at you. And you want to know why? Because I put myself between you and them. I did it every time, over and over again. I tried so hard to keep them from you.” 

There was a pause. Regulus averted his eyes, not being able to stand the brokenness dripping from his brother’s grey eyes. 

“Are you happy now?” Sirius asked quietly.

Silence.

“I didn’t mean to,” Regulus insisted. “I never thought that they would—” 

“Are you fucking stupid? Do you even know our parents? Do you even hear yourself talking right now? I willingly took every punishment but this, Regulus, this went too far. You have no idea what it’s like. I can’t keep doing it. I don’t want to keep going. Not if that’s how you decide to sell me out. She almost killed me in there!” Sirius roared. 

Sirius tried to stop himself from crying, tried to keep his voice down.

He felt like he was going to collapse any second now. His body was tired, muscles screaming, desperate for relief.

He felt like the weight of the entire world was resting on his shoulders. And he had tried so hard to stay strong, keep it up, but he wanted it all to stop. He couldn’t stand the pressure, the misery, the pain. His parent’s expectations, being a good friend and a good big brother, smiling and laughing, it was all too much, too heavy.

He was sick of coming undone and having to put himself back together time and time again.

“Oh, cry me a fucking river, Sirius. I never asked for your help,” Regulus said coldly, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “It’s not my fault that you always have to play the hero. It never ends well now, does it?” He pushed his chin forward. Regulus' voice pierced through Sirius’ skin like sharp daggers. 

This was too much. It was all too much.

Waves crashed.

Sirius stepped forward again. Without hesitation, he punched his brother straight in the face. Regulus tumbled, blood quickly started running out of his nose, dripping down his lips and jaw.

“I’m so done with this fucking family. I’m so done with you, Reg. You were _my brother_ , you were _my world_! I would have died for you.“

And with the little energy he had left, he Disapparated with a loud crash, leaving his brother behind in the dark alleyway.

The moon hung high above London, above their broken home. And Sirius broke with it.

But Regulus hadn’t said a word to his parents that day. If it took Regulus lying to his brother and Sirius hating him to get him to safety, it would have been well worth it.

Sirius knew that Apparition was illegal without a licence. And dangerous at that too. Especially in his condition. But what else was he supposed to do? He was covered in blood, clothes torn where his mother’s curses had hit him, vomit on his sweater, bloodshot eyes, lips cracked and bloody. 

And he was terrified. 

There was no way in hell he would have stepped on the Knight Bus or wandered through London looking like that.

He Apparated in front of the Potters family home. It was still late at night, the moon hanging high above the street, stars hiding behind a thick curtain of clouds. But he couldn’t wait until it was morning. He had been exhausted before but now, after travelling here, he was drained. 

Even though he felt safer now, Sirius still trembled.

What had he just done? He shouldn’t have left Regulus behind. It didn’t matter what he had told their parents, Regulus was still his brother. 

What would their parents say when Sirius was gone just like that?

What if they followed him?

What if the Ministry was already on their way to arrest him?

Or even worse, he would be expelled from school. He couldn’t lose his friends, couldn’t lose his _family_. Not when he needed them the most.

What was he going to tell them? My mother attacked me and I left my young brother behind in an abusive household and I performed underage magic and I’m afraid of dying? Probably not.

Waves of fear, panic and guilt washed over him.

Stumbling, he made his way over to the front door. His finger hovered over the door for a split second. He didn’t want to bother the Potters, especially not late at night. But where else could he go? Sirius took a deep breath and knocked as loudly as he could.

For a moment, there was silence. Sirius had trouble standing up straight but he forced himself to stay strong, steadying himself against the doorframe. Only a few more minutes, he told himself as he felt panic bubble inside his chest.

Inside the house, lights started turning on, voices and steps came closer. And then, the door opened. 

Before him stood a very tired James Potter. His curly hair was flattened, the round glasses sitting wonkily on his face, drool drying on his cheek.

“Excuse me, but what the fuck? It’s the middle of the night.” Once he recognized Sirius, looked him up and down, his eyes widened. “Sirius! What the fuck happened to you? Are you alright?”

“Moony,” was the only thing Sirius managed to say before he collapsed and passed out.


	3. Chapter 3

Sirius dreamed. At least he prayed to whoever would listen that it was just a dream.

He was walking over an open field, the wind cold and sharp against his back. He pulled his jacket tighter around his shivering body, ducking away from another gush of wind. The sky was pitch black, the moonlight nothing but a silver shimmer through clouds. 

Sirius lost track of time as his legs took him further and further into the dark, unable to stop, unable to turn around. 

The scene before him changed slightly and a tall mountain now towered above him.

Without thinking, Sirius started to climb, grasping sharp ledges and climbing higher and higher. The field below him quickly vanished underneath a foggy layer.

Sirius looked up. The sky was closer now, clouds parting and stars spilling out above his head. His fingers quickly started to feel numb, blood streaming from his palms and down his wrists.

But Sirius didn’t stop. He couldn’t stop. 

There was something telling him to climb higher, to reach the peak, to be quicker, to climb faster. The voice in his ear became louder the higher he climbed. Sirius finally reached the peak, his heart beating fast inside his chest and legs trembling from exhaustion. He stood upright and lifted his head towards the sky. He felt at ease, the silence peaceful, the moon casting soft shadows across his face.

The scenery changed once again. Sirius still stood upon the mountain, his feet shuffling around nervously. The ease he felt before was gone.

His mother stepped out of the shadows, her hair tightly pulled back, lips pressed into a thin line. Her eyes were like knives, pinning him down.

His heart missed a beat.

“I knew you would be here, Sirius. You can’t run from me, you never will be able to.” Her voice was cold and sharp. Sirius gasped.

She almost looked like a statue—pale skin, stern eyes, expressionless. She charged forward. “No one is coming to help you, you are all alone. You are nothing but a waste of air, I should have ended you a long time ago.”

Sirius stumbled backwards, soon hitting the ledge—and then he fell. His silent scream slipped from his lips as he hit the ground with a loud thud. The moon above him just laughed. His mother was gone.

Sirius woke up with a gasp, heart racing, hair sticking to his sweaty forehead. A sharp pain shot up his shoulder. He winced. 

His eyes slowly adjusted to bright light streaming through the blinds.

He blinked multiple times before settling into reality. He was in the Potters’ guest bedroom where he had stayed before. The blanket was tangled between his legs, his hair a matted mess. He was no longer wearing his sweater but one of James’ old shirts. His muscles felt sore, still tense from the nightmare he just had.

There were voices coming from the kitchen, footsteps approaching the room, and then James’ head popped through the door. “You’re awake,” he said softly, stepping inside.

“I- … is Remus here?” Sirius asked, nervously tugging at the blanket. James shook his head. “No, you see, well...” James took a deep breath, “you got here in the middle of the night. We thought it was best to have you rest for a while. And you know, have my parents deal with the Ministry.” 

Sirius’ head hung low, shaky breaths escaping from his chapped lips. “Please, I need to see him.” His vision became blurry with tears, shoulders violently shaking as sobs erupted from within him. “I just need to know that he doesn’t hate me. I just need to see his face, hear his voice. I can’t stand not being with him. _Please, Prongs_.”

James nodded softly and made his way over to the bed, sitting down close to his friend but still giving him enough room. “I’ll try to get him here as quick as possible, okay?” He gently touched Sirius’ hand. Sirius felt relief slowly bloom inside of him, fighting against the lingering darkness. 

He was safe now, they couldn’t get to him anymore. But the weight was still too heavy on his shoulders.

A desperate cry escaped his mouth and Sirius let himself crash against James, tears flowing down endlessly. James sat beside him, held his hand, whispered reassuring words.

“I keep seeing her face,” he cried, burying his face in the crook of James’ neck. His friend pulled him closer, his fingers combing through his black hair. 

“I can’t even begin to imagine how you are feeling right now, what you just went through,” James’ voice was soft and calming, “but you are safe now, safe with us.” Sirius swallowed down another cry.

They sat in silence for what felt like an eternity before Euphemia emerged from downstairs and brought Sirius tea and sandwiches. “I made them just how you like them,” she said with a smile, setting the plate down on the nightstand.

Sirius’ clammy hands wrapped around the steaming mug. He took a deep breath, soaking in the warmth and smell of tea, milk and cinnamon. He took a sip, his muscles starting to ease a little, head still hanging low. 

Euphemia sat down and gestured for James to leave the room. Reluctantly, James did.

Sirius barely noticed. His gaze was fixed on his cup from where his own two eyes were staring back at him through a veil of milk. Only when Euphemia moved closer did he lift his head and look at her. Her round eyes and kind smile spread comfort within him.

Euphemia gently cupped his face, thumbing away the tears that now rolled down his cheeks. “You’re home now,” she said. And Sirius believed her. 

Euphemia had always been kind to him and treated him like her own son. Sirius couldn’t be more thankful.

“I won’t let them get close to you ever again, I promise. You can stay as long as you like, I’m sure James won’t mind sharing his parents with you. And whenever you feel ready to talk about it or just want a hug, don’t hesitate to tell us, okay? Whatever it is, we are here for you.” 

Sirius nodded slightly, pressing his left cheek longingly into her palm as if his life depended on it. He chased the warmth and the comfort of motherly love, appreciation and safety. 

Euphemia looked him right in the eyes, her own eyes filled with worry and kindness. Something he never saw in his mother’s eyes. “Sirius, dear, is there anything else you want to say? Anything we should know?” 

Sirius bit his lip and shook his head hesitantly. “I just want to see Remus, please,” he whispered.

Euphemia smiled softly and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead. “I know, dear. But you should get some sleep first. I’ll talk to Lyall and Hope, but rest now.”

Euphemia waited until Sirius nodded and gave him a kiss on the forehead, cupping his face with her hands once more. She was soft and warm, smelled like soap and flowers, like home.

“Please leave the light on when you go,” Sirius said quietly. Euphemia smiled, her thumb brushing over his cheekbone. “Sure, darling. Now rest.”

Sirius laid back down, curled himself up into a ball and fell asleep once more, hanging onto the promise that Euphemia had given him. The promise of a home, and Remus.

In his dreams he was in the field again, his own limb body still sprawled on the ground. Sirius’ stomach turned at the sight. It was weird looking at himself like that, so lifeless and hollow. He swallowed hard and forcefully tore his eyes away.

The scenery changed, his surroundings swimming before his eyes. He was at sea, clinging to the railing of the boat he was on.

Waves and salt splashed into his face, burning in his eyes, wet fabric clinging to his shivering body. Another wave crashed against the side of the boat, Sirius’ grip slipped from the railing and sent him overboard.

Lighting shook the sky as he plunged into the sea, the waves swallowing him right up, dragging him deeper and deeper. 

The surface vanished, air spilling from his lungs as he tried to fight back. But the ocean didn’t budge. His vision became blurry.

The burning in his lunges vanished, something else blooming just below his sternum. The world around him became dark again, the thundering clash of waves nothing but a distant humming in his ear. 

Sirius felt calm, suddenly at ease as he floated through the cold depths of the ocean, the current gently swaying him from side to side. He felt light, the weight of everything finally lifted from his shoulders. He could hear voices in the distance, voices that felt thick and warm, wrapping around him like a blanket.

His eyes flew open.

“I came as quickly as I could. Is he okay?”

_Remus._

Sirius stumbled out of bed, running as fast as he could toward this oh so familiar voice. His entire body screamed at him to stop but Sirius didn’t, he couldn’t. Not until his body crashed against Remus’ chest, burying his face in the crook of his neck, crying and screaming, knees giving out beneath him, desperately grasping at the fabric of Remus’s jumper. 

“It’s okay, I’m here now,” Remus whispered, his voice soft and sweet like silk and honey. He wrapped his arms around Sirius, placing tender kisses across his wet cheeks, holding him tight. 

“You’re here, you’re here—I’m so sorry, Remus, I just couldn’t … I’ve done the best that I can, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know where to go, I can’t go back, please, don’t make me go back” Sirius sobbed. 

Remus gently guided him back to the guest room and they both curled up on the small mattress, chest to chest, their noses brushing together softly. 

Sirius was still crying, trying to mingle his way through a thick fog of pain, nausea, homesickness, guilt, anger, anxiety. 

Remus laid beside him, thumbing away the tears, placing light kisses all over his face. “I love you, Sirius, I love you so, so much, don’t ever forget that. I’m not going anywhere, I’ll always be by your side,” Remus whispered, pushing strands of black hair behind Sirius’ ear, cupping his face and kissing him gently.

The kiss wasn’t pretty, it was sloppy and messy, tears mixed with salvia, but Sirius wouldn’t want it any other way. 

“Make it stop, please, Remus, please. It hurts, everything hurts.” Sirius’ body quaked as violent sobs erupted from inside him, his chest tightening. 

Remus pulled him closer, his fingers trailing through ink-black hair. “I know,” Remus whispered. “I’m here for you. And I won’t leave you. You’re good enough, Sirius, you have always been. And you will always be, even more than just good. You mean so much to me, so much to Peter and James, we are all here for you. I am here for you.”

He continued brushing his fingers through Sirius’ hair, gently massaging his scalp and holding him tight.

“It’s not easy, I understand that and it probably won’t be any easier tomorrow but I’m here for you. You can do it, we can do it, together. I love you so much and it pains me to see you like this but I’m not leaving, I will never leave you. You are so incredibly loved,” he said softly.

Sirius took a deep breath, closing his eyes, burying his head in his boyfriend's jumper.

Remus was here and Sirius slowly started to believe that he would be alright after all. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow but one day. 

“You’re safe now, I won’t let them hurt you ever again, I promise.”

And Sirius fell asleep again, Remus’s heartbeat a steady lullaby, painting a hopeful future on the canvas of his mind.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> If you liked it, please feel free to leave kudos or a comment. It would mean the world to me :)
> 
> Come say hi on [tumblr](https://im-captain-egg.tumblr.com/) ✨
> 
> Take care, everyone!


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